Helen just died 10 minutes ago

the hospice people are coming for Helen at 3:30, I am sitting here watching her die right now.

she has maybe 18 hours left

I'm taking note of all the things that sound like nonsense to me but maybe after all this is done I can chain them into some sort of order.

her hands are shaking and one eye stares up at the ceiling, her breathing is very labored and her skin is sullen. Her body has collapsed and I think all that is left is her own personality trapped inside that shell.

This isn't the first time I have seen death but it is the first time I've seen it linger, Death is a very personal thing for each of us, we hang on to life for our own reasons, how hard she fights.

I'm amazed we got to sleep in till 7:30, Bill and I are still tired but it felt good, Today we ask Helen if she wants to go to in hospice care, for the past day or so she is of the thought that Bill and I are trying to kill her.

Helen is Bi polar as well as having all her physical problem she also has to deal with that, well since she has returned from the hospital she is unable to take the really big pill of valproic acid.

that coupled with her condition has really put her schew on reality in a strange place. Bill over reacted as always, he personalizes it, he got mad pretty much told me "Screw it" lets put her in the nursing home if that's what she wants.

She would die horribly in a place like that so we contacted the Hospice chaplain to come in and talk with her, we found out that hospice has in house care, she can use that and we both feel, Bill and I, that would be a hell of a lot better then the care she would get at a nursing home.

Now I'm still of the notion that she should stay here but if she still feels we are trying to kill her today and she responds that she is afraid of that then Bill will contact Hospice and set up the in care.

The chaplain was suppose to be here yesterday but didn't make it, if she tells the chaplain that we are trying to kill her and that she wants out, then she will get that. I see it as a side effect of being without her medication, I know this, But bill has personalize it and is upset.

We have taken eight months of our lives and given them to her for her care, so she would not die alone, I'm committed to finishing this, more so then Bill. We both are very tired and coming this close to the end I think that the easy way out is something Bill finds attractive.

I on the other hand signed on for the long haul and would like to see this through to the end, it will not be long now.

slow down in construction today, GHI here by known as the DEVIL has stated that they want 2x8 trusses in the veiling instead of the state and local requirement of 2x6's. The Devil has pretty much taken the building codes of all the disaster states and rolled them into one law for the building of it's units.

Our addition can withstand an Earth quake, in Maryland. Like that will ever happen.

The landscaping is going to be a bitch I can tell now, after digging some experimental holes I found a rather heft Clay base, this doesn't bode well for my back this summer.

Social worker came in to see Helen today and the aid called to make an appointment for a visit tomorrow, The nurse will be here Weds day as well. It will be a busy day.

I noticed now that after one week with out dialysis Helen is starting to swell in her limps, her pain has increased as well, I'm hoping she doesn't hang on long. Bill was a little upset this morning, for the past couple of morning She has been calling out my name for help.

I think bill feels guilty about that but I will not say anything to him about it, we are long past the point in our relationship where a look expresses whole paragraphs he knows I feel a little bad about it, and he also knows I understand how he feels as well.

I would like to sleep past five am without getting woken up, and I would like to have sex sometime with bill, anytime would do. we have not had the time or energy for it, thought I was going to get some this morning but Helen needed help instead.

I love my bar of soap.

What a grueling Day, The old company that supplied medical equipment for Helen still had not picked up the bed, well they did today. at the same time that the new Hospice people brought their equipment in.

I had to move Helen around quite a few times causing her great pain, now just as we get her settled into her new bed the new nurse shows up. with out the medical supplies that she needed so I unpack all the supplies that I had already packed for Medstar.

Jihad her do the full work up on Helen. changing bandages on her bedsores, changing her needle in her medication port and also checking the tubing on the bags that are attached to her kidneys.

There are a shit load of new meds that I have to learn and a whole new schedule that I have to adhere to, yes we don't have to do dialysis anymore but now there is just a whole new set of problems.

I was pointed to another LJ where someone was claiming to have cancer but turns out they didn't, they were just doing it to get attention, it turns out I know this person, I just don't know how to act or what to say. I have been going through this with Helen for eight months now and I know what she has to go through, I know the pain she is in and all the problems that come with this sickness, and I cannot fathom how someone could fake an illness like this just to get attention.

I mean how fucking sad is your life when you need to suck in peoples emotional energy to make yourself feel better about yourself. When I think of how much of myself I have put into caring for Helen, the thought of this person doing this brings me to Violence.

As I said I know this person I will never mention it to him, but I will always keep it in the back of my mind when dealing with him, know what a weak and pathetic excuse of a human being he really must be.

Everything in my personality SCREAMS to confront you and publicly embarrass you to the community we both are a part of, but I will keep it under my hat and not even deal with you.

Helen is on the roller coaster, she now is recovering for the most part, and blasted Bill with "Who put me in here" and "Why are you trying to kill me". Yeah I know all the shit we are going through for her and we get that, I'll be forty in ten days.

Well today was the day we took Helen to the hospital, not knowing if we will pick her up, the doctors were not very hopeful. our time here in this dingy little apartment we have been using for her death watch is almost over.

I know there was a show about a house and then went back in time and showed all the people that lived within those walls and their stories. It made me think about how many different dramas unfolded in this place.

I know the people before us were new to the country and were looking to make a new start, I wonder who else will be here after we leave.
the house is not ready yet, they do have the 2nd floor on and I am going to go pick up the marble tile for the bathroom, so it should not be too much longer till it is done.

I kinda wish Helen would be around to see it finished but I don't think that is going to happen, Bill is in denial about the whole thing. weird how different people handle things in a different way every time.

I know we are paid here till the end of April and will have to keep all the stuff here till then I'm really wishing that the house will be done just so we don't have to move it all into storage.

I hate moving, we have to move from our house with all our stuff. then move this place, everything will be in the way and it will take forever to get caught up..

I'm so fucking tired right now. Bill and I both are just emotionally drained I could give a rats ass about world events socializing or anything, I just want to get away from the smell of this place.

The air around us feels like water when we walk, constant resistance. When we sleep we fall into each other and sigh and melt into one pile of flesh, we hold one another up.

I look into a mirror and see an old man now, I'll be 40 in two weeks but feel like I'm sixty, Bill is the same way.

THings to look forward too:

going on a vacation after this

getting the new house in order

going back on the road and making some good money again

Well what I'd like to get done today, Laundry. transplant some mosses that I have collected over here at Helen's place and my taxes.
Lets see how it turns out. Bill is still on duty, Yesterday Fritz relieved us for awhile.

Now what I thought was going to be over night, giving Bill and I one night in two and a half weeks alone together. turned out to be only a few hours. I thought Fritz was going to stay over night here at Helen's but he call last night at about seven wondering how much longer we would be.

Well it's helen's dialasis day, we get four hours o ourselves going to be nice, Helen had blood in her bags this morning might be another hospital stay in the near future, we will have to see.

Man oh man the week is almost done Linda leaves on Monday and I will be up to my neck in Diapers again. I havent been around the computer in awhile so I have not been using this software but I know its there.

Bill and I with Fritz will be going to the farmer market tomorrow just to shop around, its been fun and relaxing so when does the ax fall LoL.